Reflection on time.

Psalm 20: 12 Teach us to number our days, 

so that we may gain a heart of wisdom. NIV

 Amid life’s uncertainty, the limited time that I have been given to fulfill God’s purpose for my life has felt inconsistent, Confusing, and unpredictable. “Time” regularly proves itself to be deceitful. I hear people say, “Time is flying by too quickly.” People, on occasion, express the opposite and declare their frustration with time by saying, “Time is standing still.” I hear people express feelings about time in music. A Google search will reveal numerous songs In almost every genre with the word “time” in the lyrics or titles. One example is Jim Croce’s “Time in a bottle,” In this song, Croce is expressing feelings about “time.” When we read or listen to the lyrics, we see that Croce sings about his desire to have more time to spend with someone he loves. This sentiment can be seen in the following words, 

“If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I’d like to do

Is to save every day

‘Til eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever

If words could make wishes come true

I’d save every day like a treasure and then

Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time

To do the things you want to do

Once you find them

I’ve looked around enough to know

That you’re the one I want to go

Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes

And dreams that had never come true

The box would be empty

Except for the memory

Of how they were answered by you.” (Lyrics for Time In A Bottle by Jim Croce - Songfacts. https://www.songfacts.com/lyrics/jim-croce/time-in-a-bottle)

  In Croce’s song, time is a commodity that should be cherished and ultimately held on to. “In the lyrics, it appears that the songwriter’s perception of time is that time is moving by too quickly. The songwriter suggests that we should hold on to every precious minute that we are given. I discover an opposite view of time. In this popular ballad by the Righteous Brothers. I find that this soulful melody is a lament of how “time” is causing the songwriter pain in his life or his romantic relationship. He tells us that “time” could`do so much. “As I study the lyrics, I discover that time doesn’t appear to be doing anything that gives the writer or singer the help he wants. It Appears that the songwriter feels that time is doing the opposite. Time is standing in the way. It’s as if the writer is asking for a supernatural change in” time” that would relieve his pain and repair the relationship with his particular person.

Furthermore, the songwriter writes the following lyrics as if to strengthen his argument. The song continues with, “It is a long lonely time, and “time goes by so slowly,” He implores his love interest too, “wait” for him. The writer believes if time would just simply cooperate by somehow Speeding up, then his suffering would end sooner. Yet, Realistically none of these things are true. I like the lyricists I have been in similar situations. I have cried out in desperation, hoping to stop the runaway train that sometimes barrels through time at a speed that would rival the Starship Enterprise traveling at maximum warp speed. I find that I am not willing to make the deadly leap off the train. Instead, I find myself holding on for dear life and unable to do anything but watch as time barrels rapidly past many vital moments in my life, leaving behind only fleeting memories in its dust. The Earth travels around the sun at a constant speed. The sun’s journey stays the same all of the time. Minutes, hours, days, and weeks remain the same. Still, time appears to change!

Fortunately, after living my many years, I have discovered. It is my perception of time that changes. Time appears with each new circumstance to be either slowing down or speeding up. I now know that it is the intangible nature of time that allows us to unconsciously mold time as our days dictate. 

There are times in my life that have felt like time changes unexpectedly, and I realize the time that I feel time has begun to move either too rapidly or too slow.   

When I begin to explore further this gift of time that God has given me, I find the movement of time Time does not vary. Just like God’s everlasting love for us that is constant and unchanging, “time” does not change. Time is a precious gift for us, but it is not unlimited. Our days are counted and measured. It turns out that God’s gift, like God, is trustworthy. Time is always consistent and is unchanging. What changes are my feelings about time. What changes is how I experience time.

As a hospital Chaplin, I have been part of moments when our time begins and also when our days end. I have waited with families for the arrival of a new family member. I have sat with them as they gathered in the hospital waiting area. I watched as parents, friends, and relatives took turns watching the clock on the wall across the room. Minutes go by slowly yet, This day’s time is no different than the day before.

Nevertheless, the minutes seem to stretch on. Each person’s perception of the passing time differs and is felt in each’s own way. Each one of them may wish that time would hurry. All of them are anxious to meet the newest member of the human race. The amount of time spent waiting will be the same for everyone, yet each will understand this dawning of a new life in their own way. This moment in time is seen by each person relative to their feelings about this event. 

The same is true at the end of our days. Again as a hospital chaplain, I have spent many hours with families as they waited with a loved one who’s days were coming to an end. The clock on the wall across the room is the same. Minutes tick by rapidly as the clock is watched by those in attendance. Yet again, those minutes will be seen differently by each one in the room. It does not matter whether it is the beginning of our days or the end of one’s days. The mix of emotions that are felt affects our perception of the time spent. These moments are met with joy, sadness, fear, anticipation, dread, or one or more of the many human emotions that we are blessed with.  

From beginning to end, we are all given this gift of time from God. Time is given to us, just like God gives us the gift of His love. It is not how much time we are given that matters. It is what we do with our gift that makes all the difference. Of the many gifts that God has given to all of us, time is, in my opinion, surpassed only by God’s gift of His love for us. There have been times in my life when time appeared to move unbearably slow. 

As I look back to a time when I was a young girl growing up at the Jersey shore, I remember lying on my grandmother’s floor. The living room of her small one-bedroom apartment felt safe. My grandmother had been living there for a short while. The owner had converted a small house into two apartments. 

It was usual for the property owners in this oceanside village to convert their real estate into rental properties and reap the benefits of the summer crowds. I thought that my grandmother was lucky to have been able to rent the second floor. This once quaint home that had been converted into two separate apartments. As I look back, I believe that my grandmother would disagree with me. Especially every time she had to carry her laundry or groceries up the narrow stairs. Yet this apartment was my idea of heaven. From the second-floor windows, I could see parts of the river across the street. I loved the view and would spend hours just watching those boats go by. Her meager apartment consisted of 1 bedroom, 1 bath, a small kitchen. The kitchen was just big enough for a small dinette set, a 2 burner stove, a single sink, and her bright yellow canary named Pete. It was there that I could look out the windows and see the boats in the distance as they made their way up and down the river. When I was not dreamily watching boats on the river, my grandmother and I would spend time together playing either gin rummy or go fish. Then each day at 2 P.M., my grandmother would turn on the television. We would watch “The Days of our Lives.” This program was a popular soap opera at the time that my grandmother had watched every day since it first aired in 1965. As the program began, an announcer said, “like “sand in an hourglass, so are the days of our lives.” I remember watching the images of an hourglass on the television. The sand in the hourglass moved much too steadily. The flow of the sand was consistent, swift, and it never changed its pace. The sand did not slow down or speed up, nor did it stop. Instead, I preferred to compare the flow of time in my life to the rollercoaster at the amusement park. I perceived time as continually changing; it was either slowing down or speeding up. I understood time as uncontrollable and as if it was being maneuvered by a magical unicorn that could not decide what the proper speed of time in my life should be. There on my grandmother’s living room floor, I would watch the soap opera with my grandma, who I called Nannie. I

 I did not care about either the story or the characters. In those moments, time rolled by deliciously slow. I only cared about the boats on the river and the sound of my Nannie’s Voice as she read the Bible to me when the program had ended. More importantly, It was in those moments that I began to learn about God’s love. I found God’s love in the gentle sound of my Nannie’s voice, the sound of Pete the canary singing from his cage in the kitchen, and the sound of the gently splashing water of the Manasquan River. It was at those times that I wished that these peaceful times could be placed in a bottle and be kept forever Like in the song by Croce. But that could not be “time, inevitably moves on. 

   So it was that as I was growing up, time appeared full of starts and stops. Alternating from moving at breakneck speed to suddenly slowing down to a snail’s pace until any movement was almost undetectable. No, I did not agree with that television announcer, nor did I trust that he was being truthful, with his hourglass comparison of time. As I saw things, the sand moved swiftly in the hourglass. It flowed from the top section of the glass through the narrow pathway to the bottom of the glass, where it completed its journey. The sand in the hourglass flowed steadily, yet my days did not. My days did not feel consistent or swift as an adolescent. I found myself in the middle of a roller coaster ride that is called life. 

It was during those days of my youth, as I looked towards the future waiting with my peers anxious to grow up. I was ready to begin living out the many Milestones that would mark my time on this Earth. Important events such as attending the prom, going to college, or learning to drive had yet to be lived out. All of these events were seen by me as markers representative of growing and maturing. In my youthful impatience, they all felt out of my reach. I could feel the same pain that I heard in “Unchained Melody” Time was going by so slowly that it left me hungering for those events yet to come. I believed that these life marking events were somehow lost in the Infinity of God’s creation. As I grew and matured, I began to learn to treasure this gift of time that God had so graciously given.

I Waited with wonder as I watched my older siblings and their peers enjoying those grown-up activities. I knew that somehow the announcer on the television must be wrong. Time does not move as rapidly as the sands in the hourglass. But this may be one of the many blessings that we receive as we unwrap our gift of time from God. When time slows down, we can realize the treasures of those minutes. They are never lost but just bottled up in our memories to be opened as needed. Now In this late hour of my life, I realize what a joy it would be to go back in time and relive those slow-moving days. In my youthful impatience, I did not understand the priceless value of those early days with my grandmother. At some point, we all realize that we have no choice but to keep moving forward one persistent day at a time. Over the years, my days have begun to move more rapidly then I would like. Although, as I matured, I learned that moving forward Is the only way to reach those special milestones that I had been yearning for. Yet, I also learned that I was moving closer to my final days with each passing milestone. Even So, I keep living each God-given day one at a time, and with each moment, I gain a deeper appreciation of this gift of time. I learned to wait patiently on God’s timing until those seemingly elusive milestones arrived. As I waited, I began to learn many lessons about the faithfulness of God.  

Those precious events that had felt like they would never be reached are finally experienced and in time I

 I was able to check each one off my list. Many of our lists might look a lot like the list below

• Being allowed to date
•  going to college
• Learning to drive
• Attending the prom 
• Getting married,
•  having children
•  landing your first job 

Regardless of the Milestones that are named. Each one is Eventually reached, checked off the list. I celebrated these events, and then in a blink or just a small wrinkle in time, those celebrations have become a pleasant memory. Undaunted, I move on. From moment to moment. With faith and with hope, I continue to Live out and celebrate this gift of life that God has given me and each of us. The journeys are never smooth. They are filled with disappointment, sorrow, and challenges. Somehow in that chaos, we find the occasional successes. 

Now, as I am entering the final years of my life, I feel like time is catapulting me towards an unseen cliff where I am to meet my last day. In Jobe, We read, “5Our time on Earth is brief;

the number of our days

is already decided by you (God).

6Why don’t you leave us alone

and let us find some happiness

while we toil and labor? 

God did not leave me alone, even as I railed against Him.

Today, I find myself railing against God, still questioning And asking why He has allowed me to waste so much of the gift of life that he had given me. Is it my job to ask, “what am I doing with my time?”

 I heard it once said that when I am angry with God, that is when I will find he is closest to me. Jobe is right to ask why God doesn’t leave us alone. At the beginning of this essay, I wrote that God’s gift of time was surpassed only by God’s love for us. It is because of God’s everlasting love that He does not ever leave us alone. I have come to understand this, and I lived through the time he gave me. I believed that I may understand something that Jobe knew. Without God, we will never find true happiness.

Still, I wonder what my final day will be like. Will St Peter meet me at the Pearly Gates? Is he holding a sign that reads, “do not enter? or better yet will I find Jesus waiting to slap me on the back saying “good job, my faithful servant, you are welcomed here.” Is this one of the many mysteries of heaven? Is there another question that needs to be answered? Is it my job to ask, “what am I doing with my time?”

 Could it be that on that final day, I will be asked to look back at my life? Do I see my life as a success or a failure? Is the last day the turning point? Where I ask possibly for the first time with total honesty, not what did I do with my life, but what have I done with this gift of life and the time God has given me? I am now 66 years old. I have been walking on this Earth for approximately twenty-four thousand and ninety days. I do not know when that last day will arrive. I haven’t reached the end, nor have I fallen headfirst into that final day. In the meantime, the milestones Continue to be met. They are checked off the list, And I will continue to ask myself what is next? 

 The truth may be found by looking back at my life with brutal clarity and be willing to relive it, looking at both the good and the bad. I like Jacob have been to Peniel. I realize that I have seen God face to face. In the encounter, my life has been spared. God named me and blessed me as a father would his child. Just Like Jacob, I come away from this encounter, realizing for the first time of my need for healing. It is at this moment that I begin to fully understand that my life has been a gift from a God who loves me. Then I can surrender and gladly let go no longer fighting for control. When I open my hands and release my life over to God. Discovery happens!, I have discovered that life is not about successes and failures. Much Like Jobe, the lesson is that this gift of life is about faith, hope, and love. Could it be that the most important lesson that must be learned is that I must put my trust in God? I must trust that God is my father, protector, shepherd, provider, God is the breath of life in me. I must learn that my Journey is about learning to trust His unchanging love.